and now, i'm writing again.
this time, i wanna wear my heart on the sleeve. no more holding back. i wanna pour my heart out through this post. this time i really want to forgive myself and let go.
it has been a month since that crazy saturday i had with someone close to my heart. you see, i am more than "too vulnerable" around him but he told me he was just being too comfortable around me. i misinterpreted whatever kindness he has shown or i'd rather say the ugly truth - i assumed.
honestly, he was someone i never thought i'd fall for. we got closer at a time in my life when i'm trying to bounce back from a goodbye. he happened to be at a point when i wanted to create new memories in an old, familiar place, when i needed a diversion. i know, i was just enjoying his company, the attention that i get from him then little did i realize, i felt something else. i was happy again which let me think, he was happy too.
the days spent with him are all awesome. those happy days become months that lead to a year. well, he had been the biggest part of my 2011. it was all fun until i became a green eyed-monster that i shouldn't be. i have no right but i just can't control the ill feeling and that's what lead me to do something crazy. i just don't want to waste my time anymore, i thought. i wanted to know, if there was something else too on his end. how pathetic i can be?
back then, he would tell me that he haven't really enjoyed his life and i thought, i wanna be there for him. i wanna accompany him to any place he would like to go, to any thing he would like to do because i want to help him. i want him to enjoy his life. but i guess, i let myself become too much available for him that made him think, i'm gonna be there whenever and wherever he calls. i know i would. i know i can always find a way but today i have to help myself first. i need to stop.
i care a lot about him, i don't know if he knows that and right this moment, i still think of him. every minute. my heart still beats for him. i don't know if this is already love, but if it isn't. it was a lot like it. that feeling when you wanted to fight for him but couldn't because he already told you that it was all about comfort and all. it hurts but i needed to be stronger this time and accept that maybe, he's not the guy for me. that someone better is about to come if i let go now.
this is the story that bang-ed my first two months of the year 2012. i know this too shall pass. as what the song would say, "although my heart hurts now, i'll find a way to get up from the ground. coz i know, one day, i'm gonna feel again."
it's time to look forward to happy days.
No comments:
Post a Comment