what doesn't kill you can make you stronger

and now, i'm writing again.

this time, i wanna wear my heart on the sleeve. no more holding back. i wanna pour my heart out through this post. this time i really want to forgive myself and let go.

it has been a month since that crazy saturday i had with someone close to my heart. you see, i am more than "too vulnerable" around him but he told me he was just being too comfortable around me. i misinterpreted whatever kindness he has shown or i'd rather say the ugly truth - i assumed.

honestly, he was someone i never thought i'd fall for. we got closer at a time in my life when i'm trying to bounce back from a goodbye. he happened to be at a point when i wanted to create new memories in an old, familiar place, when i needed a diversion. i know, i was just enjoying his company, the attention that i get from him then little did i realize, i felt something else. i was happy again which let me think, he was happy too.

the days spent with him are all awesome. those happy days become months that lead to a year. well, he had been the biggest part of my 2011. it was all fun until i became a green eyed-monster that i shouldn't be. i have no right but i just can't control the ill feeling and that's what lead me to do something crazy. i just don't want to waste my time anymore, i thought. i wanted to know, if there was something else too on his end. how pathetic i can be?

back then, he would tell me that he haven't really enjoyed his life and i thought, i wanna be there for him. i wanna accompany him to any place he would like to go, to any thing he would like to do because i want to help him. i want him to enjoy his life. but i guess, i let myself become too much available for him that made him think, i'm gonna be there whenever and wherever he calls. i know i would. i know i can always find a way but today i have to help myself first. i need to stop.

i care a lot about him, i don't know if he knows that and right this moment, i still think of him. every minute. my heart still beats for him. i don't know if this is already love, but if it isn't. it was a lot like it. that feeling when you wanted to fight for him but couldn't because he already told you that it was all about comfort and all. it hurts but i needed to be stronger this time and accept that maybe, he's not the guy for me. that someone better is about to come if i let go now.

this is the story that bang-ed my first two months of the year 2012. i know this too shall pass. as what the song would say, "although my heart hurts now, i'll find a way to get up from the ground. coz i know, one day, i'm gonna feel again."

it's time to look forward to happy days.

the art of demotivation

what happens when the person who should be giving you the motivation in completing a task becomes the primary factor why your enthusiasm in finishing the job significantly decreases? will the person who demotivates you can still change and help you bring back your drive?

this was the question raised during the week of developing you when the topic motivation is being tackled.

i guess, that person can still change but he won't be able to motivate me again. yes, he can change and start all over again and inspire others but not me. it's because i already lost my confidence that he can help me. 

anyway, this training i took entitled "the art of demotivation" also reminded me of the person who influenced or would rather say, motivated me when i was just a newbie in the corporate world.

this guy right here was my career reviewer back then. i was inspired by how he does stuffs at work and he has this awesome memory that he can still remember what 'work issue' happened even years back and how it was resolved. at the beginning, i was so scared of him because he seems to be an angry tiger but his cool personality changed that first impression. hahaha. and i'll never forget what he told me when i was off-tracked on a task - that is, to continue doing what i have to do and never be afraid to ask question just for the purpose of excelling.  (back reading my blog today, i realized that he had been already a topic on one of my posts - conversation on mentors)

how about you? who motivates/demotivates you? :)

God never leaves you empty-handed

i am going through some motions these past few days and it feels like forever. rain seems to keep on pouring down real hard, it breaks my heart and my mind stops functioning. anyway, i'll just write about it another time.

but something about this day somehow lessens this whatever monster i am feeling. i gained a prayer partner.
in the middle of the busy schedule, i found myself creating an e-mail for someone whom i don't usually hang out with. most of the time, our conversation would be those normal hi and hellos when you see someone at the hallways. i was asking for a little favor, to pray for me. immediately, he popped a message offering his ears and a new year-treat, a coffee. :) right away i said yes. i needed that. so badly. it was just a thirty-minute talk but so heartwarming. i felt a little better after.

in the evening, i'm still preoccupied yet i tried to keep myself focused on stuffs. all of a sudden my chaos friends started pinging me, for some chit chats and to finalize our chaos two-year-planned-dream and finally it's happening! then another friend popped in fb telling me about our plans for KP and that it is happening soon as well! then there's P., whom i haven't had any conversations with for five months, i think, suddenly wants some catching up. haha. all the people i love at one night - it made me smile.

then i thought, although i'm kinda off-track this week, God never left me with nothing. He always makes me feel that there are still people around me who cares so much. that i should have given my attention to those people who matter and let go of those people who just makes you feel whatever.

thank You. :)

♥

“I realized I wasn't going to find a man until I was willing to expose myself to possible harm, to assume the risks of rejection and betrayal and heartbreak that came along with caring about someone. Someday, I promised myself, I would be ready for that kind of risk.” 

-Lisa Kleypas

forever young

and today, i'm a year older but hopefully a lot wiser. :)

it was a busy and indeed a happy, happy birthday weekend for me!

i met my friend's little brother tristan. he's so adorable!!!

dati sa video ko lang siya nakikita and now na-hug ko pa siya! kids really bring perfect joy in the heart. :)

friday after work, chill mode with the best people. :)

they surprised me with this delicious cake. yummy! tumo-thoughtful din pala ang mga lokong 'to. :)


saturday was spent with chaos. wooohoo. the much awaited day ever.
double celebration since magkasunod kami ng birthday ni marc. :)

it's like the gang's reunion! after dinner, we sang our hearts out at a KTV nearby. super fun! sa music bar nako inabot ng bday ko! :)

dana even baked brownies for marc and i. coool. :) pwede ng pang business!

sunday. my big day.

it's family time, had dinner with them. simple yet heart warming one.

i so love this weekend. i got to spend one of the important events of my life with the people close to my heart.

for all the greetings, the hugs, and the love. thank you! :) 
well i guess, this is the beginning of being forever young. hahaha.

iLove Steve Jobs

i was on my way to work while listening to chico and del's TMR, it stunned me when i heard the news that steve jobs, the creative genius of Apple, already passed away a day after the iphone 4S was released. when i reached the workplace, i can't contain my emotion and suddenly burst into tears. ridiculous yet true. i cried because i felt, i loss an inspiration.

well, it is expected to happen knowing that he's been fighting with cancer but not this soon. i'm not really an apple die hard fan but still it's so sad, it broke my heart. 

two months ago, i learned about his speech in Stanford University last 2005; that speech really inspired me which made me appreciate steve jobs more .he has touched everyone's life with his wonderful works  and  his 'foolishness' changed the world exceptionally. 

now, i wonder. how would the technology be without the iMaster?

anyhow, you'll always be remembered, steve. 

♥

 

i feel good.

just had the urge to make a list of some of the best feelings one can have... (in no particular order)

1. being in love. yun na yun eh. i can't say enough.  :-)

2. minsan, ang best feeling eh sa restroom mo mararamdaman... when you started to unload all the crap inside your intestines. hahahaha. parang lahat ng sama ng loob mo sa mundo, eh nailabas mo na, hay. the best talaga. haha.

3. when you're looking forward to something. eto yung gusto mo lagi magbukas until that most awaited day comes. woohooo. kahit minsan kelangan mo mag-antay okey lang kasi nga excited ka!

4. getting that tight hug. you hug someone when you say hello, bid goodbye or show that you care. hugs are just so comforting in any way. tight hugs can even ease the pain without saying anything. *akap*

5. that moment after doing the thing that scares you. it makes you a braver individual.

6. having a dream come true. oh so surreal.

7. watching someone else sleeping

8. yung naiiyak ka na sa kakatawa! hahaha.

9. having that real conversation with someone. kahit anong bagay pwede pag-usapan, mapa-kalokohan o seryosohan. no holds barred.

10. the best yung feeling na akala mo bagsak ka sa exam pero yun pala, ikaw pa ang highest! hahaha. at malagpasan ang integral calculus!!! :-p

11. playing with your pet.

12. makitang paulit ulit na napipikon un taong iniinis mo. bully!

13. a moment in your life when all you can say is thank you. the best talaga yun. parang wala ka ng mahihiling pang iba. you already have everything in your hands.

ayos. i'll think of other best feelings pa.... for now, off to bed muna. ZZZzzzzz. :)

fireworks that spark only for a few seconds

it's temporary but she's happy. with it. with whatever it is.

then she started to utter a prayer, not for herself but for somebody else.

that he may feel the happiness in his heart.
to be found by the constant one -
who can accompany him in every journey,
to tell him how amazing he is when their eyes crossed,
and in which her intellect stacks up with his.

it's temporary and maybe he'd rather have whatever it is than on being solitary,
until the constant one comes along.

and she prayed again.
if whatever it is is ending,
let it be in slow pace
and like it never happened.

defense mechanism

it's not that she doesn't care.

she'd gone through a lot. and for a time, her life was all gray. then there was the silverlining - that began to color her once a neutral aura.

she has to be still but the force is that intense, it keeps her moving and vulnerable yet she has to have it noticed by no one.

it's not that she doesn't really care at all. she does but with subtlety. her defense mechanism.

conversation on mentors

someone said, i want a mentor and i asked, "how would you know that somebody can be your mentor? kailangan ba tanungin mo siya kung pwede siya maging mentor mo o okay lang kahit hindi niya alam na mentor mo siya?"

what is a mentor anyway? according to my good friend Google, mentor is a wise/trusted counselor or teacher. and i've been told, basta yung pwede mong matanungan, pwede maging mentor. in a heartbeat, i know i already got a mentor but i didn't tag him as one just because. and i would borrow Oprah's words, my mentor was a mentor to me because he allowed me to see hope inside myself when  i was just starting on my path.

then i asked again, "just when you already found your mentor, why do they have to leave?". the person i was conversing with answered, "because you already learned from them; kaya mo na mag-isa." with that, i was so silent. maybe true. maybe not.

two years ago, i met my mentor but duty calls, so two years after that, the person whom i looked up to needs to go to the other side of the world. but yes, i've learned a lot from my mentor and i'd still want to learn from him, though.

monkey, monkey

funny how happy moments can bring tears to your eyes.

i was having a good conversation with someone earlier today and it lead to something which made me a little bit sad. Sad because i just remembered the times when he's still here, when he's still easy to reach; memories were clouding up my mind in that one line message which he has IM-ed.  i suddenly realized what was lacking in the past months. the good times. the asaran moments. the food trips and the laughtrips in between Whours. sigh. i miss his company all of a sudden. i miss the monkey, i must admit.

keep the fire burning

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

-Neil Gaiman

 
 ============

woooot. it's my first blog for the year 2011. what took me so long? since the new year started, i've been thinking on how i want my 2011 to become... and i want it to be a year for my dreams and a year for taking care of myself.

in the last quarter of 2010, i know i wasn't really on track due to the changes that had been happening and i want my life back! i'm getting there. :)

so, to start of, i won't call this a new year's resolution but more of steps in making myself better. here's my plan for 2011:

* Sleep. i need to have good rest everyday. i used to stay up late just for surfing the net and chat with friends so for 2011, i'll try my best not to involve myself with the internet ng sobra. hahahhaha. goodluck saken. :)

* I won't open work emails/ office communicator unless necessary. i used to open emails even when it's not work hours and i gotta cut that off. i'll only open my outlook if needed. work life balance.

* Save. 2010 was so money-consuming year hahahha. this time, i should reach first my target saving before spending with other things. twenty percent of what i earn is not bad for my savings.

* Study again. i've always wanted to take masters but i don't think i can survive again the agony and pain of making a thesis. hehehe. so this time, i'll try to enroll myself with short courses or take more trainings at work.

* W. i'm making a plan.either staying or leaving, i have the same reason. just one reason. so i'm planning of having a vacation this month, i'll try to assess myself if i still want it or i could just let it go. marami namang iba. :-)

* Never forget my dreams. period.

New year. new chance. new life. New surprises. Gotta keep the fire burning! Hooray for 2011! :D

mahirap din palang wala ka...

siguro nga, totoo yung saying na you'll only appreciate a person or a thing when they're gone.

i have never noticed your existence in the past. all i know was, you're there when i needed you. always there, ready to help me at work or in anything related to you. pinapadali mo ang ginagawa ko. if this day did not come, i probably won't realize your worth. mahirap din palang wala ka...

oh tab key. please gumana ka na.. i hope you're not totally broken.











i cannot go on shortcuts without you. :(

find the goodness

from all the happenings - whether work-related, school stuffs, life... there would always be some adjustments to make, just like what I'm going through.

 last week, I had my braces to fix the overbite. I haven't felt any pain the first time i wore them, seems to be normal only the feeling is a little bulky. it's only when i eat, that's the only time na ramdam kong may something. It's hard to chew! i cannot bite a pizza and even the sides of a wheat bread and when before it took me fifteen minutes to finish a meal, my goodness now.. it would take me an hour! geez. but i'm not complaining. No pain, no gain kaya ang drama ko ngayon. :)
 

another story of adjustment.. 

last month was somewhat a li'l difficult for me since W left for the states for an on-site assignment. it meant a bigger responsibility since i have to take care of the pillar we were working on. i needed to adjust. to get used to work without someone who knows more than i do.  i need to learn things i oughtta know by now. so much to learn, i thought. i'm getting by and sometimes, when laziness strikes during office hours, i just keep remembering the last thing he told me when he was still in manila - that i'm on my own now and that i have to do my work better, na galingan ko para hindi raw siya mahirapan sa US (selfish ni koy. ehehe). honestly, nakakamiss din pala yung unggoy na yun. ehehehe.

juat a month or two from W's flight. another transition, a-would-be-another-adjustment. E, my ever cool and geeky tl will be rolling-off from the team by the end of the month. awts. wala nakong tagahiram ng charger when my cellphone battery dies. i'm gonna miss my tl big time. it's sad but this is how it all goes. parang national event lang yan. after ilang years, kailangan rin magpalit ng presidente. to change. to move out from the comfort zone so that everyone would grow.

im doing all the adjustments while finding the goodness in these and i'm staying on a positive note while walking on a rocky road (lalo na pagdating sa pagkain.. the road is really rocky!). =)

when i thought i look gloomy..

there are these days that i really feel so wasted, feels that i look so dull and pale and really not-just in condition or in-shape.. but wouldn't it be all surprising when you're feeling these non-shimmering moments, several people started to tell you that you look blooming? it's one hell of a big whaaaaattt???  hehe. and i can say, it's so uplifting and you started to look in the mirror again and try to fix yourself, strike a smile and began believing (well, idk if it's a truth) that  you really are glowing. :)

j. street

today, i found myself walking on the street i once walked on when i was a fresh graduate. more than anything now, i got myself back in this road for health reasons. i don't think i could still have a sound body (and mind?) if i go on with the current set-up i am in. actually, i'm just trying my luck here. i still don't have a firm decision yet, just looking for an option. :)

first step

i'm taking a leap! :)

"Sometimes, it's the smallest decision that can change your life forever."